I'm Tired

Today, I feel rather low. I feel like I have failed in some aspect of life. I feel like I am doing my best, but my best is still not enough. I'm frustrated, I need solutions to my problems now, but for the most part, there is nothing I can do at the moment. I can't throw in the towel on anything that I am doing at the moment because eventually something is going to benefit me some way I suppose. I'm angry. I am angry at the place I work for not keeping proper safety protocol. My accident was completely preventable if safety had even been a concern. Since my accident, I have seriously lived on just over 400$ for the last 32 days and counting. That's not enough to make ends meet. I am behind on all my bills. My house payment alone is $667.00/per month. That doesn't include my $200.00/electric bill every month, or the internet that I have to have in order to do my school work, the laptop I have to pay for in order to do my school work, groceries, household necessities, or the babysitter I have to pay so that I can work. I don't know what I have done wrong in my situation, but I feel like I am failing big time. I have my sanity, I remind myself that things will work out somehow because they always do, but I can't say that this is easy. And now I realize how stuck I really am in Independence. I bought this house. Granted, it was pretty much my only option, but it's falling apart right now so fast, and there is nothing I can do about it. If I could ever afford to fix it before it completely is ruined, nobody will ever want this house. I am happy to have my own place to live, but I am not happy in Independence. And I don't even know where else I would want to go. I don't have any options right now, but I'm working on it....I started filling out my papers to appeal to the state board to take my pharmacy tech exam, But now I have to hope to God that they will accept it. So now, I have to work, be a full time college student, be a mom, and study for my pharmacy tech certification all at the same time and try to juggle everything else going on in my life in between. But at least once I pass that test and get certified I will be making anywhere from $15-18/hour around here anyway. And wherever I want to go, I will be able to find a job. I've been talking to Matt about that a lot. He is so encouraging when it comes to times like these. My situations, he always gives me positive feedback and ideas. I don't know what I would do without him. Out of everybody in my life, he is the only person who has ever always been there for me. He is the best friend anybody could ever imagine having. He has a genuine heart, he is honest, he cares, and he is kind. I wonder how I have become so lucky enough to have him in my life and even as my best friend. He treats me as a person. He knows me better than anybody else. Thomas is doing well. It was hard on him this week when I had to go back to work. I have to admit, it was hard on me too. I feel like I just started working again, I've had a little bit of separation anxiety away from him. I won't say that I am a perfect parent, but I am always making sure my child is in the best situation I can provide for him. I spend as much time with him as I can. I talk to him. I love him and cuddle him, and I do all sorts of activities with him. Thomas is sensitive. People don't understand that. He doesn't need to be babied, but he has a tender heart. I am constantly reminding people that they need to watch their tone of voice and word choice with him. I don't feel like I grew up being a confident child. I don't feel like I got a lot of the emotional things that I needed as a child. I want better for Thomas. So maybe I am overprotective, maybe I do baby him quite a bit, but if he is clearly distressed or hurting emotionally and asking for me I am going to always be there to love him and help talk him through his emotions. I don't want him to go through childhood being depressed. And if he is depressed, I want him to feel like he can reach out to me. Because that is part of our jobs being parents. Things will get better, I know they will. We just have to keep pushing on and believing. I have faith in God, this is just a test to see how strong I am! And I have definitely survived worse! Love, peace, and all things good! Emmerica <3