Long Time, No Post!

Well hello readers! I am so sorry that it has been so long since I was able to make a post! I was finally able to find the time to fix my glitches whatever they were. I am using one of those new Windows 8 laptops and they are just....well....something else, to say the least! So much has happened! Seriously! I don't even know where to start. Let's just do a little catch up I guess. On February 7, I took a vow of abstinence, and I also had a back injury at work. As far as my back injury goes, I whiplashed my back and it put me out of work for a month. In fact, yesterday was my first day back at work. It was not a very fun month as far as pain and energy levels go. But I feel like I got a good chance to clear my mind of a lot of things that were going on. Sorted some things out in my head and started prioritizing things. My vow of abstincence, well, it is no longer complete abstinence, but we are still seeing eachother exclusively! It seemed like there was almost too much pressure to not do it, so we decided that instead we were going to focus on spending quality time together, and, well basically find things to do together besides hanging out at night...And you know, it's been really nice. We had a couple challenges and I had to do a lot of thinking for myself to sort through my emotions. In the process, I realized, that I have horrible communication skills. I have had a fear telling him exactly what I want and need from him emotionally due to my past experiences. It started as a child feeling as if I was being "punished" for having emotions and them not being cared about. And then later, my marriage to Thomas's father, I was not allowed to have emotions or talk about them, he didn't care and would literally tell me to "f*ck off" when I tried to tell him about how I felt about things. But what I as I thought about all these things and realized what caused me to have communication issues, I also realized that it didn't matter what caused it, I am an adult and the only person who can fix the issues is myself by taking responsibility and learning some new communication skills and making an effort. I have been working very hard on this. It hasn't been easy, but I'm trying. I've even made an appointment to see a counselor for some advice on this. But the best part of it, is that he sees I'm trying. And he told me that he has noticed improvement. And you know, that really makes me feel good to hear that my effort is not being wasted. I am feeling more and more comfortable telling him exactly how I am feeling about things. I don't feel like I have to have a "hard" exterior appearance all the time. I have recently gone through some emotional times and I actually was able to tell him exactly what I was feeling. And it wasn't easy, but he cared and he listened, and that's really different for me. We're still taking things slow, but I'm still really ok with that. I think the hardest part is at times trying to think rationally, but that's probably the irrational emotional woman in me! (lol!)The thing is though, we have a plan to make plans for success. We are doing what it takes to build a foundation properly. Sure, we all lost patience some times, but I really like that he takes the time to talk to me and explain things exactly how they are. If you know me well, then you know I am hyperactive and I have problems paying attention to things quite often. So sometimes I need repetition and sometimes I need things explained slowly and to be able to ask questions. Past relationships I've had, people can't handle that and they get frusterated, and they treat me like I am dumb. But not him. He does little things to show me that he cares and they are big deals to me. So yeah, in a nutshell things are progressing, we are still happy, and everything is as perfect as they can be in that department! School is going ok. It's frusterating at times. But I am still passing. I just wish that there was more time to do it. I have a hard time prioritizing school particularly when I have a house torn apart my my 3 year old. I see dirty clothes that need washed, I see toys everywhere, I see my kitchen and dishes that need to be done...There is always something I would rather do besides sitting down to study. This house being a mess is driving me nuts. My house is usually not like this, but it has been since I started school because I just don't have enough time to get everything done. I'm not superwoman, even though I feel at times it is expected of me to be. Finances are not the greatest. I am a single mom. I'm not getting any food stamps, my child support still has not started coming in, I had cut my hours at work to be able to attend my classes under the influence that my check from school would be here by then end of February, well we are well into March and it still has not come. I am behind on my bills and to add to it, my house is literally falling apart. Like I'm not even joking....I have add ons to my single wide mobile home and because the ground has been so wet and there is bad drainage on the side, one of the add ons is sinking and separtating from the main piece so my roof is leaking and I have no way to fix it right now. But, since there is nothing I can do at the moment, I am not stressing. Just keep a smile on my face and manage to get by one day at a time. I am however studying once again to take a CPhT exam (that is certified pharmacy tech incase you didn't know). The $15/hour so I would definitely live more comfortably. Hopefully be able to get a car. And who knows, If I can get into a job making enough money comfortably once I get my pharmacy certification, I might take some time off from school because It's just becoming a little overwhelming to not be able to make ends meet when they need to. And yeah, I want to finish school, but I'm just not financially able to keep depending on money that is not here when it is supposed to be here. Waiting on money to come in when you have people holding their hands out at you for the money is worse than waiting on Jesus to come.... OK, so a good thing though is that I have made some really good girlfriends. It's been nice having some girls to talk to. And they are so sweet! I am very thankful to have met them. So last night, I had a vision. And It was good. The strange thing is, I feel like I had a conversation with God. Now, I have never read the bible other than a few verses here and there, but last night, I had tis dream right after some very deep conversation on the phone with Matt, and I was shown many things. I saw all things things in my life, goals, future plans, people,.....I was being spoken to by who I believe was God, he was telling me to be patient with the people that I loved and that things would work out the way they are supposed to in their own time. I decided to look up Patience in the Bible and found this verse Epesians 4:2 "Be completely humble and gentle; bearing with one another in love." It seems as close to word for word as I could find that I was being told in the dream. It's scary, yes. I've never been spoken to by "God" before....Just over a month ago, I didn't think that God even existed. I feel like things are just getting better all over. Even if the improvement is only slight for the time being, I notice, and I am thankful. I have had the miracle of gaining back a friend whom I had lost to meth. A very close friend of mine is now over 100 days clean from Meth and doing really well. 2 friends clean from meth over the past couple months now actually. I am so happy. Never give up, always keep faith, and always choose love. Unfortunately a person who I got to know over a summer when I was a young teenager committed suicide this week. A young man, he was a cousin by marriage. I don't know what happened, I don't know why, but He must have been hurting. I wish that I would have known. I wish that I could have given him some words of encouragement. It is hard when we feel alone. Nobody should ever feel so alone though or in so deep that they see that as their only way out. I wish we all took the time to show each other a little more love. Ok, that is all the time I have for this blog. I actually have to leave for work in 30 minutes and am still in my pajamas! Namaste, Emmerica <3