Random Thoughts

It is currently 3:30 am. I am awake. Why am I awake? I know I should be asleep, I have things that I must do early in the morning. All I can think about at this time, is trying to figure out the next step. And to be honest, I think I know it. I really think I know what I need to do. I need to get a car. I don't want to, but I need to. I have been applying for pharmacy tech positions around Marion, Polk, and Benton counties. I need to find a way to get some experience in the field and get into a position. And I need to fix my house, as soon as I can. Get it into shape to sell it. It's going to take a while, but I need to prepare myself for the next step, whatever it is. Some day, I am getting out of Polk County. I've talked to Matt about it, he thinks I shouldn't base that decision on him. But what he doesn't seem to understand is that if I go somewhere and leave him behind, unless we are absolutely done and over with, I will not be happy. What keeps me happy in Polk County is having my best friend that I love so much just a phone call away when I need him. If I go anywhere else and leave him behind, then I will just be completely alone and not happy. I mean, in some ways, it's a catch 22, but it's a no brainer decision when I actually think about it. I want to stay here with him until we can both go. So yeah, I am applying for jobs all over the state, but I won't leave without him. If opportunity arises and it is a good opportunity for both of us then maybe the idea would come up, but obviously that would take an awful lot. And I think about it, where do I truly belong? I belong wherever I am happy. What makes a place happy? It's not necessarily the city as I have learned, but the people you are with. And I have made a lot of other really good friends here too, but I have to say, Often I feel like my life is a TV show and everyone is watching. People know me because they know my dad. People who know me or know of me ask other people about me so they can tell other people about me as if my life is that interesting. I mean, what do you want to know? I'm a single mom, I work, I go to school, and I spend a lot of time with the guy I am dating when my son isn't home. I don't believe that I have much drama. I don't like it in my life, which is hugely part of why I don't talk to many members of my family. I don't like this feeling. I don't care what other people think of me, but I don't understand why someone's life is focused around me when they really don't know me....I don't know...And I may never. Anyway, this rant makes very little sense, and I apologize for that. It's late, I am going to bed. For the people who read these posts and feel they can relate, I love you all and I appreciate your views. Emmerica <3