THAT'S AMORE!

Today was a really hard day for me. I had to let go. I had to let go of what I had thought was my future, I had to let go of all my emotions and memories, and I had to decide to move on. It was not easy, but necessary. When someone doesn't feel the same about you or have the same respect for you then there is no longer a team. Tonight, I hurt, but I will be ok. Worse things happened today than my fiancé and I breaking up. I was working today and I heard that there were bombs at the Salem hospital and people were on lock down. I absolutely can not believe this happened. And the worst part is that 2 people I know work there. I am so very thankful to God that these people I knew in passing were ok. Can you imagine something that scary going on at your place of work? Nobody should have to worry about things like that. Plus, hospitals are a place of healing, and a comfort for those leaving our world. That should not have to be a way for people to rest. What a shame this world has come to. So, on another note, I have decided to take a couple trips in the next year. Towards the middle or end of fall, I am going to go to the east coast and see a friend who is in the military. Then, come summer 2015, I am going to take a trip to Italy. I have never taken a vacation in my adult life other than my honeymoon when I got married, so, it is time. I'm excited and I can't wait to go see all the historical monuments of Virginia and Italy! Ok, as much as I hate to do it, I need to go to bed now. Early start to my work day tomorrow. Many blessings to you all tonight! Love, peace, and all things good! Namaste, Emmerica <3

It's the middle of the summer, and I have not written in a very long time. I think it is time to start up my blog again. What's new? Well, I guess things have slowly been changing, yet many have remained the same. I have done a lot of work on my house. It keeps me busy and it keeps me happy during the times my son is at his father's house. My yard has become quite decorated, in the next 2 weeks I am going to be having duct work and leveling done. Tommy is doing well. He is incredibly smart, and super sweet as always. He loves to help Momma do things around the house. A couple weeks ago, I don't have a pressure washer, so we took the garden hose and some mops and washed the outside of the house. He had so much fun with it that now he is asking to do it all the time. I am trying to find a good physical activity to get him involved in, but we are also in the process of having him screened and diagnosed with autism. I am not scared or upset one bit however. He is my baby no matter what I will always love him. In fact, I have also been considering adopting or fostering children with special needs because I have so much patience for it. I also got a dog a couple months ago. She is a walker coon hound. I named her Ladybird. I love her so much. She is a sweet girl and Tommy loves her too. I also want to start a local hiking group to see if I can find any friends who might take an interest. My best friend Lisa is having a baby. I love her so much and I am so happy for her. I don't know what I would do without Lisa. She can always put a smile on my face no matter how sad I am. We think of each other at like the exact same time all the time. I don't know what I did to get so lucky to have a friend like her, but I am very happy and blessed. I have had a really really bad munchie habbit for a couple weeks now...All I want to do is eat and eat and eat. I'm getting fat lol. Time to start working out again. OK, running out of time to finish this blog and I got to get ready for work. So hopefully I will have some time to write again later tonight. Peace, love and all things good! Namaste, Emmerica <3

Not Myself Lately

So a lot of things have changed. I don't even know where to begin. First thing is first I suppose. Matt and I are no longer seeing eachother. It's over. But we are still friends. It is awkward for me at times, but it's ok. I chopped off all my hair. Seriously. It's a very short a-line. My hair is only about an inch long on the back of my head. I've been working. I started dating the guy who lives next door to me. He's nice and we enjoy spending time together. I feel really awkward with myself lately. I feel hurt, I feel like I trust nobody. I feel sick to my stomach. Sometimes, I even feel dead inside. I had a few one night stands before Josh and I started dating, and as bad as it sounds, it's comfortable. It's always been comfortable. Not worrying about having my heart broken or anybody else's because it's mutual agreeance, both parties getting the only thing they want. I'm an asshole, but it's comfortable, it's safe. I didn't mean to get in a relationship, but it happened, and for the most part, I am happy. It's just different, out of the norm. Out of my comfort zone at the moment. The strange thing is that pretty much everything I want in a partner and relationship is there and being offered to me. I.just feel sick though at the moment. And yes,there is deffinitely more to my reasonings than I can freely write about at the moment. I am doing my best to live as normally as I can. I spend every free moment with Thomas. We go to the park and play outside quite often. Tomorrow I am registering him for preschool in the fall. My nephews are going to start coming over every week. I've been working in my yard, cleaning house, home improvement projects, working on my website,... Anything to keep myself busy and distracted. And then I sleep really hard at night. I don't feel sad constantly, I don't feel depressed much, I am not angry, but I do feel somewhat more reclusive that usual. My Wii broke, so I have not been able to exercise as much. I just feel in a funk. But it will get better soon. Well, time to make some dinner. Peace, love, and all things good. -Emmerica <3

I feel tonight that God is really watching out for me. First of all, let me start out by saying that talking about God is still fairly foreign to me. It's not something I've done my entire life. I went to church many years as a child, but I don't know that I necessarily believed, and if I did, I don't remember. But I really would like to share some of these thoughts that are otherwise kept private. I always wondered why people so strongly believed in God. There are scientific explainations for so mucb. And it's true, there is. But at the same time, why not? Why not believe that there is purpose in this life? Why not believe that there is someone out there who loves us and wants to be our friend, and counselor and much more? I think the problem that people have had with Christianity is that unfortunately it has become so involved in the political scene. I am not saying that you should be ashamed of your faith or embarrassed, but it is supposed to be a personal and intimate part of your life to have that relationship between you and God. And unfortunately it is has become in the public eye that all "Christian folk" are judgemental gay-hating assholes. But that is not true and that is not the way we should want people to think about us. Love. Unconditional love is what we should be known for. everyone has their sins and none are worse than others. So by me "coming out" about my recent calling, I don't want anybody to think that they are no longer able to come to me with any problems that they have. I'm still me. I still love everyone. And I still have no room to judge you or anybody else because I have done more than my share of "wrong" or "immoral". But anyway, here is my thoughts for tonight. It's been a hard month. This week particularly has been extrememly stressful and exhausting. I've not known what to do. I am stuck. And there is little I can do to control my situation at this time. I promised Matt a few weeks ago that I would start working on my communication skills and start talking to him about my feelings more, just being more open emotionally all together. So tonight I did exactly what he asked, I opened up. I told him exactly how I felt. And he listened, and he gave me the best advice ever. He said "Just take some time to pray and just let it go.". And I realized that he was exactly right. All I can do is give it up to God and be patient (like I was told in my vision the other day) and keep trying. So I started reading my bible tonight. I read a few verses, but this one stood out most. Matthew 11:28-30. It was perfect. It helped. And I feel so much better. And of course I have been praying tonight. Everything will be ok, and I realize God gave me someone special that I can go to when I need that extra support. When I was younger, when I was 13 and at church they talked about what a relationship should have, the foundations that are needed, I never understood, and my whole life up until now I didn't think it was even possible. But now I do see the importance and I feel like I am at the appropriate age to be dating and that I am doing it the way that it was intended to be. I am happy of my past dating life because had I not known how to be wrong I wouldn't understand why this is right. And the thing is, the way that it is going is not the way that I thought I wanted it to, but it is the right way. This is how I feel I should be dating at this time in my life. Anyway, overall, at this current time, I am happy. Now that I have successfully wrote a blog entry and written a paper for class and handed it in, it is after 3 am and I feel I can go to sleep now for a while anyway :-)

Random Thoughts

It is currently 3:30 am. I am awake. Why am I awake? I know I should be asleep, I have things that I must do early in the morning. All I can think about at this time, is trying to figure out the next step. And to be honest, I think I know it. I really think I know what I need to do. I need to get a car. I don't want to, but I need to. I have been applying for pharmacy tech positions around Marion, Polk, and Benton counties. I need to find a way to get some experience in the field and get into a position. And I need to fix my house, as soon as I can. Get it into shape to sell it. It's going to take a while, but I need to prepare myself for the next step, whatever it is. Some day, I am getting out of Polk County. I've talked to Matt about it, he thinks I shouldn't base that decision on him. But what he doesn't seem to understand is that if I go somewhere and leave him behind, unless we are absolutely done and over with, I will not be happy. What keeps me happy in Polk County is having my best friend that I love so much just a phone call away when I need him. If I go anywhere else and leave him behind, then I will just be completely alone and not happy. I mean, in some ways, it's a catch 22, but it's a no brainer decision when I actually think about it. I want to stay here with him until we can both go. So yeah, I am applying for jobs all over the state, but I won't leave without him. If opportunity arises and it is a good opportunity for both of us then maybe the idea would come up, but obviously that would take an awful lot. And I think about it, where do I truly belong? I belong wherever I am happy. What makes a place happy? It's not necessarily the city as I have learned, but the people you are with. And I have made a lot of other really good friends here too, but I have to say, Often I feel like my life is a TV show and everyone is watching. People know me because they know my dad. People who know me or know of me ask other people about me so they can tell other people about me as if my life is that interesting. I mean, what do you want to know? I'm a single mom, I work, I go to school, and I spend a lot of time with the guy I am dating when my son isn't home. I don't believe that I have much drama. I don't like it in my life, which is hugely part of why I don't talk to many members of my family. I don't like this feeling. I don't care what other people think of me, but I don't understand why someone's life is focused around me when they really don't know me....I don't know...And I may never. Anyway, this rant makes very little sense, and I apologize for that. It's late, I am going to bed. For the people who read these posts and feel they can relate, I love you all and I appreciate your views. Emmerica <3

I'm Tired

Today, I feel rather low. I feel like I have failed in some aspect of life. I feel like I am doing my best, but my best is still not enough. I'm frustrated, I need solutions to my problems now, but for the most part, there is nothing I can do at the moment. I can't throw in the towel on anything that I am doing at the moment because eventually something is going to benefit me some way I suppose. I'm angry. I am angry at the place I work for not keeping proper safety protocol. My accident was completely preventable if safety had even been a concern. Since my accident, I have seriously lived on just over 400$ for the last 32 days and counting. That's not enough to make ends meet. I am behind on all my bills. My house payment alone is $667.00/per month. That doesn't include my $200.00/electric bill every month, or the internet that I have to have in order to do my school work, the laptop I have to pay for in order to do my school work, groceries, household necessities, or the babysitter I have to pay so that I can work. I don't know what I have done wrong in my situation, but I feel like I am failing big time. I have my sanity, I remind myself that things will work out somehow because they always do, but I can't say that this is easy. And now I realize how stuck I really am in Independence. I bought this house. Granted, it was pretty much my only option, but it's falling apart right now so fast, and there is nothing I can do about it. If I could ever afford to fix it before it completely is ruined, nobody will ever want this house. I am happy to have my own place to live, but I am not happy in Independence. And I don't even know where else I would want to go. I don't have any options right now, but I'm working on it....I started filling out my papers to appeal to the state board to take my pharmacy tech exam, But now I have to hope to God that they will accept it. So now, I have to work, be a full time college student, be a mom, and study for my pharmacy tech certification all at the same time and try to juggle everything else going on in my life in between. But at least once I pass that test and get certified I will be making anywhere from $15-18/hour around here anyway. And wherever I want to go, I will be able to find a job. I've been talking to Matt about that a lot. He is so encouraging when it comes to times like these. My situations, he always gives me positive feedback and ideas. I don't know what I would do without him. Out of everybody in my life, he is the only person who has ever always been there for me. He is the best friend anybody could ever imagine having. He has a genuine heart, he is honest, he cares, and he is kind. I wonder how I have become so lucky enough to have him in my life and even as my best friend. He treats me as a person. He knows me better than anybody else. Thomas is doing well. It was hard on him this week when I had to go back to work. I have to admit, it was hard on me too. I feel like I just started working again, I've had a little bit of separation anxiety away from him. I won't say that I am a perfect parent, but I am always making sure my child is in the best situation I can provide for him. I spend as much time with him as I can. I talk to him. I love him and cuddle him, and I do all sorts of activities with him. Thomas is sensitive. People don't understand that. He doesn't need to be babied, but he has a tender heart. I am constantly reminding people that they need to watch their tone of voice and word choice with him. I don't feel like I grew up being a confident child. I don't feel like I got a lot of the emotional things that I needed as a child. I want better for Thomas. So maybe I am overprotective, maybe I do baby him quite a bit, but if he is clearly distressed or hurting emotionally and asking for me I am going to always be there to love him and help talk him through his emotions. I don't want him to go through childhood being depressed. And if he is depressed, I want him to feel like he can reach out to me. Because that is part of our jobs being parents. Things will get better, I know they will. We just have to keep pushing on and believing. I have faith in God, this is just a test to see how strong I am! And I have definitely survived worse! Love, peace, and all things good! Emmerica <3

Long Time, No Post!

Well hello readers! I am so sorry that it has been so long since I was able to make a post! I was finally able to find the time to fix my glitches whatever they were. I am using one of those new Windows 8 laptops and they are just....well....something else, to say the least! So much has happened! Seriously! I don't even know where to start. Let's just do a little catch up I guess. On February 7, I took a vow of abstinence, and I also had a back injury at work. As far as my back injury goes, I whiplashed my back and it put me out of work for a month. In fact, yesterday was my first day back at work. It was not a very fun month as far as pain and energy levels go. But I feel like I got a good chance to clear my mind of a lot of things that were going on. Sorted some things out in my head and started prioritizing things. My vow of abstincence, well, it is no longer complete abstinence, but we are still seeing eachother exclusively! It seemed like there was almost too much pressure to not do it, so we decided that instead we were going to focus on spending quality time together, and, well basically find things to do together besides hanging out at night...And you know, it's been really nice. We had a couple challenges and I had to do a lot of thinking for myself to sort through my emotions. In the process, I realized, that I have horrible communication skills. I have had a fear telling him exactly what I want and need from him emotionally due to my past experiences. It started as a child feeling as if I was being "punished" for having emotions and them not being cared about. And then later, my marriage to Thomas's father, I was not allowed to have emotions or talk about them, he didn't care and would literally tell me to "f*ck off" when I tried to tell him about how I felt about things. But what I as I thought about all these things and realized what caused me to have communication issues, I also realized that it didn't matter what caused it, I am an adult and the only person who can fix the issues is myself by taking responsibility and learning some new communication skills and making an effort. I have been working very hard on this. It hasn't been easy, but I'm trying. I've even made an appointment to see a counselor for some advice on this. But the best part of it, is that he sees I'm trying. And he told me that he has noticed improvement. And you know, that really makes me feel good to hear that my effort is not being wasted. I am feeling more and more comfortable telling him exactly how I am feeling about things. I don't feel like I have to have a "hard" exterior appearance all the time. I have recently gone through some emotional times and I actually was able to tell him exactly what I was feeling. And it wasn't easy, but he cared and he listened, and that's really different for me. We're still taking things slow, but I'm still really ok with that. I think the hardest part is at times trying to think rationally, but that's probably the irrational emotional woman in me! (lol!)The thing is though, we have a plan to make plans for success. We are doing what it takes to build a foundation properly. Sure, we all lost patience some times, but I really like that he takes the time to talk to me and explain things exactly how they are. If you know me well, then you know I am hyperactive and I have problems paying attention to things quite often. So sometimes I need repetition and sometimes I need things explained slowly and to be able to ask questions. Past relationships I've had, people can't handle that and they get frusterated, and they treat me like I am dumb. But not him. He does little things to show me that he cares and they are big deals to me. So yeah, in a nutshell things are progressing, we are still happy, and everything is as perfect as they can be in that department! School is going ok. It's frusterating at times. But I am still passing. I just wish that there was more time to do it. I have a hard time prioritizing school particularly when I have a house torn apart my my 3 year old. I see dirty clothes that need washed, I see toys everywhere, I see my kitchen and dishes that need to be done...There is always something I would rather do besides sitting down to study. This house being a mess is driving me nuts. My house is usually not like this, but it has been since I started school because I just don't have enough time to get everything done. I'm not superwoman, even though I feel at times it is expected of me to be. Finances are not the greatest. I am a single mom. I'm not getting any food stamps, my child support still has not started coming in, I had cut my hours at work to be able to attend my classes under the influence that my check from school would be here by then end of February, well we are well into March and it still has not come. I am behind on my bills and to add to it, my house is literally falling apart. Like I'm not even joking....I have add ons to my single wide mobile home and because the ground has been so wet and there is bad drainage on the side, one of the add ons is sinking and separtating from the main piece so my roof is leaking and I have no way to fix it right now. But, since there is nothing I can do at the moment, I am not stressing. Just keep a smile on my face and manage to get by one day at a time. I am however studying once again to take a CPhT exam (that is certified pharmacy tech incase you didn't know). The $15/hour so I would definitely live more comfortably. Hopefully be able to get a car. And who knows, If I can get into a job making enough money comfortably once I get my pharmacy certification, I might take some time off from school because It's just becoming a little overwhelming to not be able to make ends meet when they need to. And yeah, I want to finish school, but I'm just not financially able to keep depending on money that is not here when it is supposed to be here. Waiting on money to come in when you have people holding their hands out at you for the money is worse than waiting on Jesus to come.... OK, so a good thing though is that I have made some really good girlfriends. It's been nice having some girls to talk to. And they are so sweet! I am very thankful to have met them. So last night, I had a vision. And It was good. The strange thing is, I feel like I had a conversation with God. Now, I have never read the bible other than a few verses here and there, but last night, I had tis dream right after some very deep conversation on the phone with Matt, and I was shown many things. I saw all things things in my life, goals, future plans, people,.....I was being spoken to by who I believe was God, he was telling me to be patient with the people that I loved and that things would work out the way they are supposed to in their own time. I decided to look up Patience in the Bible and found this verse Epesians 4:2 "Be completely humble and gentle; bearing with one another in love." It seems as close to word for word as I could find that I was being told in the dream. It's scary, yes. I've never been spoken to by "God" before....Just over a month ago, I didn't think that God even existed. I feel like things are just getting better all over. Even if the improvement is only slight for the time being, I notice, and I am thankful. I have had the miracle of gaining back a friend whom I had lost to meth. A very close friend of mine is now over 100 days clean from Meth and doing really well. 2 friends clean from meth over the past couple months now actually. I am so happy. Never give up, always keep faith, and always choose love. Unfortunately a person who I got to know over a summer when I was a young teenager committed suicide this week. A young man, he was a cousin by marriage. I don't know what happened, I don't know why, but He must have been hurting. I wish that I would have known. I wish that I could have given him some words of encouragement. It is hard when we feel alone. Nobody should ever feel so alone though or in so deep that they see that as their only way out. I wish we all took the time to show each other a little more love. Ok, that is all the time I have for this blog. I actually have to leave for work in 30 minutes and am still in my pajamas! Namaste, Emmerica <3